The world hasn’t quite turned out the way you thought it would, and you’re wondering what your place is in it. While you may feel lonely, be assured, you aren’t alone at all: More people feel that they don’t fit in than you believe to be true. Most people – not everyone, but most – walk around wearing any number of masks. There is, of course, the work mask, but there is also a mask when on social media, when face-to-face with friends, and most dangerously of all, when at home alone. So what can you do about it? What is your healthiest way to feel like you belong?
Introduction
The most challenging thing a human being can do – at least after their first year of life – is to go out into the world without wearing a mask. Infants quickly learn what is and isn’t safe to show. They may not be able to help themselves yet, but if they aren’t feeling safe, they try their best to hide.
Much of what you hide now can be rooted in those early years, for even the most loving and welcoming homes are petrie dishes for this learned behaviour. Do you feel like you belong?
Make-up: A Sidebar
Most masks are metaphors: you aren’t visibly covering your face. The single exception is, of course, the application of make-up, Once the purview of women, it is now marketed to all genders. If you like your appearance but enjoy changing it up, there is no harm to this practice. But if you cover your face because you don’t like it, or because someone has told you that you should, then you have fallen to the pressure of masking.
Do you think you chose this practice from free will? Companies spend billions of dollars each year on advertising campaigns. They wouldn’t do this if they thought you would buy it without such pressure! They make money by convincing you that you cannot look like yourself if you want to feel like you belong.
It is unrealistic to think that people will suddenly stop wearing make-up, or that they should in all circumstances. We only ask that each time you apply it, you are honest with yourself about your reasons. Are you are doing it out of pressure or because you don’t like your appearance? Do you still not plan on stopping? Take the time to recognize and transform the emotions that appear before painting on your mask. If you do this, then you will wear the mask with pride, knowing who you really are.
Doorways Can Be Healthy; Masks Cannot
Let’s return to the metaphor. We do not wish you to be naive. There are many parts of you that are best not shared with strangers or people you cannot trust. There are even parts you will not wish to share with those in your daily circle. This protective practice – this sense of personal space – is not, however, the same as wearing a mask.
Privacy is akin to a doorway. The door can be fully or partially open; it can be closed. or even locked. We will talk about doorways more in a moment. Suffice it to say that you are under no obligation to ever let someone through the door!
A mask, on the other hand, is a false face you put on while pretending it is the real you. It’s a charade that pushes others away even as you pretend to invite them in. This is the unhealthy practice that keeps you feeling lonely.
When you close a door, your soul recognizes it as you choosing privacy. But when you wear a mask, you are sending your soul a confusing message. You go beyond your threshold as if you want connection, but you wear a mask so you can’t be seen. You pretend to feel like you belong, when the mask has the opposite effect. Thus, the feeling of loneliness.
You Don’t Feel Like You Belong: Are Masks Better Than Rawness?
But what of the loneliness that keeps many of you feeling like you don’t want to leave the house? Too often, you don’t experience the world as a healthy place. It may take great effort some days to not stay in bed, curl up in a ball, and shut it all out.
You believe you must wear a mask, not because you do not like yourself, but because everything is simply too much. You see too much, hear too much, and intuit too much. And the pain of that reality feels too much to carry. Rarely, if ever, do you feel like you belong.
You are the ones who see through the veil to the charade of all who don masks but pretend to be honest. You are the ones who struggle to play the game.
Yes, you hold your mask at a distance, fully aware that you are wearing one. And you can’t wait to take it off and wash your face once you return to your safe space. But while your mask is safer than facing the world in your most raw state, there is a healthier way.
Bring your safe space with you wherever you go, and leave the mask on a shelf at home.
Bright Light Bubble: You Can Feel Like You Belong
Imagine, if you will, a glowing light beginning in your heart. Perhaps it is a fire burning off all the pain and sadness, or a spotlight shining on all that is good. It may be the sun that warms you, or stage lights shining on your own little heart protectors. You may, for example, picture fireflies, ninja warriors, or any number of defenders that make you feel safe and protected.
Let this light grow stronger and brighter until it fills your body. Then let it grow stronger still until it envelops you. Keep building this safe space until it reaches beyond you in all directions. If you are comfortable in your environment, this bright light bubble may only reach past your fingertips. If you are less comfortable, you may imagine this space to be as large as necessary. Your goal is to not feel the negativity of others encroaching upon you.
Build Your Safe Space
At all times, keep your space fluid. Do not let it become a stagnant fixture where you feel trapped and can’t breathe.
If your bubble is
- made from fire, let the fire burn off all the negativity before it reaches you
- a spotlight, let it shine bright and keep the darkness away
- the sun, let it warm your space and keep the cold away
- imaginary characters, let them stand guard and protect you. Fireflies, for example, can zap any negative intruder energy, while mini ninja warriors can battle them off.
Within your safe space, you should be able to breathe easy. You should be able to see the world for what it is, and to allow others to see you only so much as you wish. Instead of wearing a mask, even the least intuitive of people will know that you are protective of your personal space.
It may take effort at the start, but practice building your bright light bubble. Rebuild it when you begin to feel fatigued, for that is a sign that your safe space has been encroached. Such a safe space will gradually become a healthy daily practice for you. Your healthy bubble will help you feel like you belong.
Back to Doorways: You Feel Like You Belong But Want Space
Imagine a situation, group, or person that you are uncertain about. If you must participate, then make sure to surround yourself with your bright light bubble. Make it as large as necessary to keep you feeling safe.
But if you have a choice to interact or not, don’t put on a mask. Instead, see yourself standing in a doorway, with your bright light bubble reaching beyond the door into the walkway.
If your bubble picks up an energy that, at least in this moment, you do not wish to deal with, visualize closing the door. Don’t go out, don’t pretend conversation. Excuse yourself, and do something you want to do. To truly feel like you belong, there must be times where you opt out.
A doorway sends a direct signal of choosing your own space, at least for now. A mask pretends interest when there is none, costs you energy, and sets you up to feel lonely.
Imagery Detail Matters!
Be very aware that your choice of imagery matters. Do not imagine locking yourself in. Imagine, instead, that your side of the door is a wonderful, open, alive world, filled with all that feels positive to you. You are closing others out of this beauty, not leaving the beauty with them and shutting yourself in.
Remember, however, that doorways are a short-term solution. If you find yourself continually wanting to close others out, take it as a sign that you need a healthier environment. While a bright light bubble can always be healthy, you can’t ever feel like you belong when you are constantly closing a door.
Closing: You Do Belong
The most isolating part of loneliness is the belief that you are the only person who ever feels this alone. You are not. Are there times that you cannot muster the energy to pretend? Do you sometimes, or often, find yourself unable to connect to anyone or anything? At such times, begin by imagining a connection with the millions who feel the same as you.
Even though you don’t know who they are or where they live, know that, even in your aloneness, you are never alone. There are more of you than you can count, more people wanting to rid themselves of masks, more souls wanting the connection you want. Let your heart guide you to the energy of those who feel as you do. While you won’t meet them in person, you will feel them in your heart, and grow stronger together. You do belong.
Note: The bright light bubble concept is presented in rhyming format in “Safe Inside,” one of the stories in I Know Me. It’s a book that came to me intuitively some time ago and is now part of The EAT Program™. I Know Me is available in both paperback and digital formats. The imagery used in this post appears in the digital version.